Single Valerie

Mike and I have been together for almost a decade. I told him that the other day and he made me sit there while he did the math because he just couldn't believe it. A decade is a long time. Are we old enough to have been with the same person for ten years? Apparently, yeesh.

All that to say, I haven't been single in a long time. I barely remember that Valerie. Mike has traveled more than normal this year, but the last two times were during the week and I had to work all day and then rush home to the dogs, get dinner ready, and pretty much go right to bed, so I didn't really have time to feel bored or alone. This time, Mike left Wednesday night and I worked from home Thursday and Friday and then have been home alone with the pups all weekend.

Single Valerie has reemerged. And she is lazy. And has a horrible diet. And watches trash tv. And spends money when she's bored. And drinks a lot.

She also doesn't know where the pepper, step stool, or simple syrup is kept. And can't reach the ceiling fan to turn it on when it gets hot in the apartment. 

She also gets very nervous when she has to drive.

SO, it's a good thing Mike put a ring on it, because single Valerie is kind of a mess.

Here is a list of things single Valerie did this weekend; the good and the bad:

• Made two Blue Apron meals. Ate one all by herself in one sitting and was sick and bloated and miserable all night.
• Drank two bottles of wine.
• Cleaned up dog vomit with a vacuum cleaner.
• Spilled vodka all over the kitchen.
• Went on a three hour walk through the Beaver Creek Trail, to Kohl's, to lunch at NY Bagel Cafe, and then back through the trail (exercise that includes shopping and bagels is my kind of exercise).
• Ate massive amounts of Panda Express for lunch.
• Spent too much money on thongs at Target.
• Hung out on the patio with the dogs.
• Watched four seasons (so far) of Real Housewives of NY.
• Ate cheese, gerkins, turkey, and an apple for dinner.
• Ate a grilled cheese sandwich and scrambled eggs for dinner.
• Realized her life revolves around fattening food.
• Bought Mike the cutest gift at Kohl's that he is super excited about.
• Took fourteen thousand instagrams and snapchats of the dogs.
• Slept in until 6:30 every day (score!).
• Went to bed by 9:00 every night (old lady!).
• Took a bubble bath and realized about five minutes in that bubble baths are super boring.
• Wore, count it, four different pairs of leggings.
• Ate so much candy, she currently has a stomachache.

My plating capabilities are....lacking?

Dog photo 1 of 1,000

Does anyone outside of my family put jelly on their grilled cheese sandwiches?

Dog walks fo rdays.

SEXY 

At This Very Moment

At this very moment, I am sitting on my patio drinking some wine and reading a book. I'm wearing a comfy if not garishly mismatched outfit, my feet are up, and my dogs are relaxing next to me. The only sounds I hear are the wind rushing through the bright green leaves of the tree directly in front of me, Tuffy halfheartedly barking at passers by, and the joyous laughs of the women on the balcony above me. Every time I hear one of them laugh, I smile. Those three women, who look just like my mom, with little chihuahuas in their laps and wine in their hands, enjoying a cool night on a flower-covered balcony in May.

I don't want (really want) a lot of things in life, but to be happy is one of them. It's something I struggle with daily, so peaceful little moments like this are like gold to me. It's simple moments like these that make me feel lucky and truly happy.

Back to my book and to the wind and to the laughs and to my boys and to the wine and to my smile because of all of it.

Thoughts on a walk to work

When I'm going through something hard in my life, I always tend to obsess over the the outcome and everything is always colored in a negative light. Having trouble in my relationship? I'll spend days picturing what my life would be like if we divorced. How I would be without a car, without my dogs, without my best friend. I pretend I'm picturing a new, fun, and single life, but the fantasies always turn to the negative. Having trouble at work? I picture my big moment of quitting; telling off the boss, maybe a RHWONJ table flip thrown in there. But then I'm unemployed and hurt and embarrassed at the end of the fantasy.

These fantasies don't make me feel good. They make my anxiety worse. They make the situation worse. They take a small simmering pot of water sitting on the stove and turn it to a constant, never ending full boil.

I'm currently going through something in my personal life that is causing me a lot of hurt and anxiety. The other day, on my walk to work, I was thinking about it and starting to feel my thoughts turn up the heat from a simmer. And then, without deciding to do it, I turned the stove down. I started to picture something positive coming from it, a fantasy that was actually colored in a positive light. And I wanted to write it down.

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I'm sitting on the bed in my son's room. He looks like Mike, all blond hair and cheekbones. He's sitting in his bed, bent over, crying because he's being bullied at school. I place my hands on his back and tell him this, "I know what these kids are doing has hurt you, honey, but they are wrong. You are a good kid, you are smart and funny and weird and amazing and we're all lucky to know you. Just because some people don't see that, it doesn't make it untrue. You're allowed to be upset now about what they said, but you can't let it color how you feel about yourself. You can't control those bullies. You can control yourself and how they make you feel. The next time someone says something hurtful to you, I want you to picture all the people that love you and all the things we love about you wrapped around you like a heavy blanket. When you're wearing that blanket, no one can hurt you. A small group of mean people and hurtful words, can't pierce that thick blanket of love and positivity. So, give yourself a little time to feel bad and cry about it and then get up and be happy, because you are lucky, you are healthy, and you are loved and other people's untruths about you don't matter. And maybe go eat a cupcake. Cupcakes make everything better."

And that's how I give my kid an eating disorder.

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