shouldawouldacoulda

I should have started my class in January

After the holidays.

After Relay for Life.

After O's wedding.

After my family's visit.

But I did not.

So during this class alone, I have Relay for Life all day the day before our first group project is due.

It's due this Sunday.

We don't have a topic yet.

I don't even have my textbook yet.

Then the 4th week, we have our 2nd group project and a final which are both due while I'm at a wedding.

This month/class/day is making me stress out.

Not just stress out.

STRESS out.

Like I feel as if my head may detach from the rest of my body and float around.

Like a balloon.

But instead of being filled with helium, it's filled with crazy.

Then I immediately start another class.

The same week my dad, step-mom, and sister come to visit.

And it's Halloween.

And my nephew pug will be dressed as a spider.

These are all very distracting things.

School might be the death of me.

I'm quite the whiner.

Here is a picture of my dogs to cheer everyone up.

School Sweet School

I tend to freak out about stuff.

A lot.

As an example, I've been freaking out about school lately.

But, I mean...fair dues right?

I'm working full time and taking 4 week long short classes which include midterms, finals, weekly writing/reading, presentations, and a 20 page paper.

Typing that sentence made me nauseous.

But you know what makes me feel better about school?

My smarty sister giving me pep talks and taking the time out of her day to edit my whole 20 page paper.

My sweet mom telling me how much she likes my presentation.

My tech writer/editor husband editing my presentation and having it done by 8am for me.

My awesome husband also writing me to tell me how proud he is of what I'm doing for our family (swoon)

My friends who I never get to see sending me sweet e-mails.

And getting an A on my midterm and presentation so far.

Please please oh almighty school gods let school keep going this well.

Also, here is a cute picture of Mike and I bowling with my State Farm coworkers on Saturday.

A Little Perspective on a Friday Night

Sometimes I forget how lucky I am.
I get wrapped up in thinking about the past, about what could have been, about how my life might be if I had chosen a different path.
I focus on the things I don't have instead of the multitude of things I do.
I obsess over the few qualities Mike doesn't have rather than the 800 amazing qualities he does.
I spent years dreaming, wishing, hoping against hope that I would find someone who would love me for me.
Someone to go to sleep with at night and wake up with in the morning.
Somebody who would want to call me his girlfriend, his wife.
I dreamed of the ring, the wedding, and the house.
There were days I felt so hopeless that I really believed none of it would happen.
And now it's all here.
I have the ring.
How easily I've let myself forget the pure joy I felt when Mike slipped that ring on my finger outside the store, too excited to wait to propose.
I had the wedding.
I've spent so many days focusing on what I would do differently that day if I could, not liking how I looked or how things went when I should be focusing on Mike's face the first time we saw each other for pictures or him taking my hand and kissing it when I started to cry during the ceremony.
I have the house.
I joke about how much I hate the yellow walls and how much I want to move out of this town, but I really love this home so much.  I love the blood, sweat, and tears Mike has put into every inch of this house.  I love every unique bit of it because it is ours.
I have everything I've ever dreamed of.
Somedays, I'm allowed to be sad that I don't have a great job and I don't make great money and the general public well, sucks.
Some days, I'm allowed to want to punch Mike in the tooth for being obnoxious.
But then, I need to get over it.
Because I'm luckier than I ever honestly thought I could be and I'd be a fool if I wasted a single moment of it.

Baby Flu

I've officially graduated from baby fever to baby flu.

With baby fever, you find yourself smiling at babies you see in the grocery store.

You sigh over baby clothes at the store.

You google maternity photo shoot ideas.

You daydream about being pregnant.

With baby flu, you feel sick every time someone mentions the word baby.

You stare at every baby you see in the store like it might try to steal your wallet.

You feel really great one second and totally ready to have a baby and the next second you have the sweats and chills.

While watching Up All Night (which was pretty damn funny by the way) earlier tonight, Mike experienced his first bout of baby flu.

He got a crazy look in his eyes and announced that we should "make a baby tomorrow."

He started ticking off the months on this fingers to realize that we would have said baby in May or June.

Nodded his head said, "At least it wouldn't be hot." And continued watching the show like all was normal.

30 seconds later, he looked at me said, "What if it's a girl?" and made the most horrified face I'd ever seen.

Then he went to bed.

At 8:50pm.

I just took two Tylenol PM with a glass of Pinot Grigio.

We shouldn't be allowed to have children.

This is the Part Where I Quit

Around this time is the part where I would quit.

Quit that job that is making me miserable.

Quit that town that I don't feel quite at home in yet.

Quit that boyfriend who I'm not so sure about.

Quit that exercise/diet that is too hard for me.

Quit quit quit.

I like to quit.

I like to run away from things.

It's quite a bit easier than sticking with them when you think about it.

7 years ago I quit school.

I was half-way through with my final 3 classes to get my BA.

I had already been accepted to grad school.

I was working full time, going to school full time, on the path you're supposed to be on.

And then I started to freak out.

Do I want to get my masters in English?

Do I want to teach for a living?

What the hell am I going to do with my life?

Did I talk this out with friends or family?

Did I see a counselor?

Did I weigh the pros and cons?

Not so much.

Instead, I dropped out of school and moved across the country.

Cause THAT to me was easier.

Quit and run.

Today I really want to quit something else.

This class scares the shit out of me.

Grad school scares the shit out of me.

The fact that I'm slammed at work, have tons of things planned for the rest of the year, and have no time to write my 20 page paper scares the bejeesusshit out of me.

It'd be really easy to quit right now and it's quite tempting at this point.

But I won't.

I might fail this class.

I might get really stressed out.

I might have another painful panic attack like I did Thursday night.

I might drive my friends and family insane for the next year.

But I won't let myself quit.

Because I need this.

For me.

For my future kids.

For my husband who has to listen to me whine about it every day.

For my parents who both went back to school later in life.

For my sister who got her masters while working full time and kicked ass at it.

For my pride.

So I am going to quit something toady.

I'm going to quit stressing about this class and just do it.

First step, quit reading blogs and go read my text book.

Happy Wednesday

You all know how much I have hated running.

I've even posted whiny laments on here about it.

Today I ran our whole route without walking even a smidgen of it.

Tiny tiny little victories.

Hurrah.

I plan to round out my Happy Wednesday by working on my grocery list spreadsheet for the next week and making a study guide for my midterm tomorrow.

I'm pretty awesome.

Oh, and I'll probably take a shower.

Happy Sweaty becomes Icky Sweaty after a while.

Hurrah!

Things I Would Rather Be Doing Right Now

I'm really bad at sitting and listening to lectures.  

Especially when my teacher rambles.

And my classmates ask really stupid questions.

These are the things I'd rather be doing than listening to this lecture for two hours.

Watching Six Feet Under.  I know we're incredibly late to the game, but we're recently hooked on this show.

Reading Kendi Everyday.  I know, I'm obsessed with her.

Getting a manicure.  Jessica Alba can come if she wants.

Practicing making babies.  Yeah, I said it.  You'd rather be doing that too, don't lie.

Eating cheese.  I enjoy that she's topless while eating cheese.

Reading the book I foolishly got sucked into right before I went back to school.

Seriously, I hate this so much, I'd rather be running.

16 minutes to go!

Happy Boozy Weekend

I've been incredibly stressed out lately.  Starting school during such a busy month has not been awesome and I already feel behind.  I've had quite a few sleepless nights and kind of feel like screaming at the top of my lungs during random intervals during the day.

But I don't.

Praise Jeebus I was able to get away last weekend for a little wine country girl's weekend.

We had a great time, drank some tasty wines, ate some delicious food, talked a lot, shopped, wore some cute clothes, laughed our asses off, and pet a cute little black pug for hours.

We visited Francis Ford Coppola Winery which I always assumed would be cheesy and cheap, but the wine was really tasty and it was actually fun to walk around and look at all the movie chachka they had on display. We also visited one of my new faves Matrix.  This is only my second time at Matrix, but I've quickly fallen in love with the beautiful views, delicious pinot's, and lovely people working the tasting room.  We had a picnic on their patio with some chilled wine and sandwiches, it was perfect.  We finished by visiting Frick Winery.  I love the owner's story, love the quaint and tiny tasting room, am terrified by love the winery cat, and totally enjoyed the wines, especially since I've never heard of most of his varietals. Our other great stop was a brunch at Zazu, one of the top restaurants I've eaten in EVER.  I love this place and it never disappoints.

Overall, it was a much needed happy, relaxy, boozy weekend.

When I arrived home, it was about 15 degrees hotter, I was locked out of my house, and my husband had moved all our furniture into the office to put in baseboards while I was gone and hadn't finished.  I'm currently sitting in front of my computer listening to an incredibly boring lecture for my class and I feel super behind on everything school and work related.

Instead of catching up and/or listening to my lecture, I'm posting pictures on a blog.  Enjoy.